12 DRUNK WEEKS OF CHRISTMAS #5

November 9, 2019 posted by


Good morning. I thought I was going to
have to open by making a big production about my chapped lips, but this camera is
super forgiving so they don’t look nearly as bad on the computer as they do
in person. In person they look like she was making out with a vacuum hose. Today
we’re gonna talk some more about How to Christmas Party Like an Alcoholic. [cat sings] On the
fifth week of Christmas you got too drunk again — five golden showers on your
clothes or bed. Oh no. We are not doing peepee stories today. People want to
hear the truth. If you’re so into peepee stories, YOU tell one. Once upon a time, I peed in this old lady’s red shoe then I kicked it
under the bed. She looked everywhere for it but I didn’t help her at all. The end.
My red shoe’s under the bed isn’t it? You’re welcome. My name’s Sue, I’m an
alcoholic. My name’s Liam, I’m a drug addict. I
drank and drugged for 25 years; been clean and sober for 18. We’re just here to make
suggestions [and] share tips that we use to stay in recovery. If you like what we’re
doing please hit the subscribe button, and if you want to be notified about
upcoming content hit the bell button. Let’s focus today on how the open bar at
Christmas parties was a guaranteed blackout for me.
Worst thing about the blackout is the pop quiz the next day. I know, right?
Before you even get a cup of coffee. Question number one: where am I?Question
number two: am I alone? What happened last night? Did I piss anybody off? Any
blood or chunks in my hair? Is the car in the driveway? Any blood or chunks in the
grille of the car? I flunked that quiz a hundred times. It is in your face,
terrifying, gut-wrenching, nauseating [Sue gags]. Let’s never take that test again. Let’s
just not drink or use today and we’re guaranteed to not have to take the test
in the morning. One day at a time. How are you gonna Christmas party like an
alcoholic without your booze? Parties with strangers are still totally out of
my comfort zone. I feel way more awkward on the inside than I look on the outside
(hopefully). One thing I do is always have an exit plan. I either drive myself or I
ride with someone who understands I might need to leave at a moment’s notice
and they’re willing to leave… willing to let me drive the car if they’ve had
something to drink. I take cab fare in case that has to be
my plan B. Sounds like you’re obsessed with getting
away from people. What happened to your “party with a purpose — go with the heart
to serve others?” Safeguarding my recovery has to come first. If I’m not sober, I
can’t be of service to anyone. If the party gets too weird, I have to be able
to step away. “Weird” like how? It’s weird if people get incoherently drunk — if
anything I do or say is gonna be ineffectual. Then there’s no service work
for me to do. You could hold someone’s hair back while they hug a toilet and
puke their guts out. Sometimes people get drunk and it’s no big deal;
but if they’re super drunk, it’s no good for me to hang out there. Are you
scared you’ll drink if you stay? Temptation to drink has been lifted for
me — thank you Lord, thank you Lord –but drinking wasn’t my problem: it was a
symptom of my deeper problems. Like what? Like squirming around in my own skin,
feeling awkward and twisting off in my own head. That was what caused me to
drink in the first place so that’s what I need to monitor and manage today.
You’re boring me with your vague hypotheticals. Okay. Specific examples/
specific story. Me, two other comics, booker of the comedy show. Afterparty,
just the four of us, at a bar. Remember last week when I talked about partying
with a purpose? Well my purpose at this party was
totally convoluted. I was kind of new to comedy so I was still on the lookout
for that career-launching connection. The other comics and the booker had worked
together for years so I felt like a total outsider. They’re all dudes, which
brings its own loaded baggage, because my stage act (which is loaded with sexual
innuendo) has been misinterpreted in the past. And
they’re all drinking — a LOT. And all that made you want a drink too? No, but I’m
really squirming in my discomfort at this point. They’re getting drunker and
drunker (especially the Booker — who, by the way,
drove us all to this party), and I’m super tired and getting more and more anxious — about getting out of there, about how I’m gonna get back safely. It’s exhausting me
trying to decipher their unintelligible language and trying to understand their
inside jokes. All that brain-chaos is what COULD make me want to drink again.
So what did you do? I got out of there! I didn’t have a plan but I came up with an
exit plan quick. I called a taxi, came back and told them, “thank you, early
morning for me tomorrow, carry on, I have a ride.” And what did they do? Partied on. No big deal. I was the only one that was having a big deal. Wow. Feels like we barely scratched the surface — again (surprise). How to party
like an alcoholic without drinking — it’s a huge topic. We’ll just have to keep
working on unpacking it next week. I don’t mind; hope you don’t either. Thanks
for coming.

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