Civil Protection: Double Feature!
[Subtitles by danielsangeo] DAVE: Dude, you’re never
going to get anyone in there. MIKE: What the hell am I supposed
to do? The whole place is infested! DAVE: Exactly. It’s infested with rats. MIKE: I kill them every day, but they
keep coming from God knows where. MIKE: How am I supposed to
find a better place [cellphone rings]
MIKE: on a salary that’s a… [cellphone rings]
DAVE: I have to take this. DAVE: Hello? MIKE: Wow, seriously? DAVE: Speaking. MIKE: I’m actually surprised your phone DAVE: Uh-huh.
MIKE: even works. MIKE: I thought the aliens knocked out DAVE: Yes.
MIKE: most of the cell towers when MIKE: the invasion happened. DAVE: Yes, that’s right. MIKE: I thought all we had now
was landline and radio. DAVE: Uh-huh. MIKE: It’s kind of funny. That wasn’t DAVE: Yes.
MIKE: even part of the alien’s agenda. MIKE: And most of the phone
companies refused to cooperate and demanded money from them. DAVE: I see.
MIKE: So, the aliens just killed everyone DAVE: Well…
MIKE: involved instead. MIKE: Hence, no cell phones. DAVE: Are you sure we need that much? MIKE: Personally, I kind of like it. DAVE: I don’t think we need THAT much.
MIKE: Back when we had cell phones, MIKE: everybody was running around acting DAVE: Doesn’t sound that bad…
MIKE: self-absorbed and ignoring MIKE: the people in front of them. MIKE: Kind of like you’re doing right now. DAVE: I mean, it might be dangerous,
but not THAT dangerous. MIKE: Okay, you know what, Dave? You can catch up with me. DAVE: No… MIKE: I’m not waiting on your stupid call. DAVE: …no, I understand. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. [cell phone dial tone beeps] DAVE: No, I agree completely, commissioner. This DOES sound like a job for Batman! MIKE: I don’t understand how
you get so many dates when you’re doing crap
like this the rest of the time. DAVE: Well, I try not to bring
my work home with me. MIKE: So, does that make this
business or pleasure, right now? DAVE: That depends on what I find. Ooh! This looks interesting. MIKE: Yeah, a rubber tire.
I’m sure it’s amazing. DAVE: No, check out this! MIKE: Whoa, what is that? DAVE: I don’t know!
Must be worth something. MIKE: Well, get out of there already. DAVE: Hey, it’s got a switch. [gravity gun hums] MIKE: What the hell is that? Why is it humming? DAVE: Hm. MIKE: It looks way
too big to be a flashlight. DAVE: Dude! It’s putting out a magnetic field! It’s a magnetic generator! MIKE: Huh, well that’s kind of neat. DAVE: Yeah, it’s got a great grip. [gravity gun chirps]
Aw, it can’t lift this shopping cart. I think the battery’s dying. MIKE: Bummer. DAVE: Hey, this thing runs
on a 9-volt battery. MIKE: Damn! I’ve never even
heard of anything like this. DAVE: Lets hook it up to the APC.
That’s electric. DAVE: It’s got a 300-volt
battery array. MIKE: Uh, sure. I’ll get the jumper cables. All right, give it a shot. [gravity gun hums loudly] DAVE: Oh, HELL yeah! MIKE: Now THAT is friggin’ metal! I want one of these. DAVE: I’m going to try to pull
these gutters off. MIKE: Uh… okay. [building rumbles] DAVE: Uh-oh.
[people screaming] [people screaming] MIKE: Jesus Christ, Dave.
Put it down, put it down. Down down down, put it down. DAVE: Shit. Uh… Okay… trying. WOMAN: Helpmehelpmehelpme helpmehelpmehelpme
MAN: HOLY SHIT! [people screaming]
WOMAN: (gibbering) [gravity gun thrums] MIKE: Not good, Dave. DAVE: Yeah…. So, should we call and get some help? MIKE: I don’t think we need to. I’m pretty sure somebody noticed that. DAVE: Yeah… MIKE: Put that thing back
in the Dumpster, Dave. DAVE: Yeah, I don’t want to be
carrying this on me anymore. MIKE: Did you know anyone in
that apartment? DAVE: No, did you? MIKE: No. DAVE: Let’s not mention this
in the report, then. MIKE: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. DAVE: Let’s get out of here. MIKE: Yeah.
[APC doors close] Oh, come on! Now the car battery’s drained!