Protecting Marriages – Flirtation Warning Signs – 1/3 – Dave Carder

July 18, 2019 posted by



torn asunder a fitting title for this best-selling book for couples recovering from extramarital affairs no marriage is immune statistics within society and unfortunately within the church bear this out Dave Carter has been picking up the pieces of devastated marriages and has taken proactive measures to help couples safeguard their commitment till death do us part married Ronnie for 42 years with four adult children four grandchildren Dave serves as pastor responsible for counseling ministries at the first Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton California he also carries on an active counseling practice they've also speaks around the world the need is global and we're just so grateful to have these five days with you Dave I'm enjoying it so far and I'm looking forward to the rest of it so off we go now we have already probably put some people on edge suggesting that no one is immune from a close call well the reason for that is we look at close calls as common the tendency especially for Christians is to look at what I call a close call friendship as bad or they make it bad and so what happens is they deny to themselves that they're really developing this friendship it kind of stays underground and I'm in control it's not bad we haven't done anything wrong but actually it's a close call friendship and close call friendships develop just in the Platonic world we all live in we work with members of the opposite sex we sing with and we're on warship teams with them were in ministry with them we work out together we travel with them and I'm not advocating going back to something in the 50s where none of that kind of stuff happened but in that kind of a culture you can build this friendship that's very platonic but when you go through high stress times that's when you fall back on this friendship and begin to need it more for what it can provide for you and you begin to talk about personal things and maybe maybe you're not taking time talking with your spouse okay well maybe your spouse's overwhelmed you don't want to burden them anymore maybe you feel like you're doing a service talking to someone else and it's because they've got all they can handle and all that to say that in this culture right now these tough economic times we're just going to see more and more couples get in trouble if they're not really prepared to protect themselves okay well you have a list we're going to go through some of these quickly but I think it's important to identify what qualifies as a close call friendship where did you get this list I have a little black book in my office in my desk drawer and for years I kept notations of couples after they left the office how this affair started where was what can we trace it back to in other words so we always start with when an affair started only one affair starts it's now when you kiss or touch and appropriately an affair starts when you share feelings for the other person with them and they respond so at that point in time everything that you say to each other every email every sighting of each other every time you hear the voice on the phone that means more than it should it's like an emotional explosion inside of you so we start at that point and we go back two years and that's where we find out what creates an affair so you're you're saying that this relationship has has had significant connection for two years before she says to him or vice versa I really care for you not to here's many times it does and then once they express that deep emotion you're cooked you are you're in trouble the pots boiling and you don't even realize it okay so in that and come back to our list in that two-year period that's when I try to find some of these kinds of characteristics that are happening in this couple let me just well there's still time to get back out of the danger zone exactly now yoga as you read through this list there's only a few things on this list that would really you would all bad and then I would call bad they happen just automatically in the course of human events you know from us like being a good neighbor exactly that's the point now however they begin to lead to a little more and that's where we have a tendency to get into self denial and say it's not really happening to me this could mean they're just good friends we'll say that to our spouse they're just friends okay but here we go you ready okay fasten your seat belt first of all when you begin to save topics of conversation to discuss with this friend versus talking with him about your spouse you're actually looking forward yes because I'm hacking it with you because they understand you better and many times like in my own life I'm not a musical person my wife is a wonderful musical musician has taught music me I have to watch people clap in order to get the rhythm I can't do it on my okay so it would be like her talking about music was somebody who really understood music now that kind of stuff just happens because spouses just don't always match perfectly anymore naturally come alive it's not that person who understands your gift exactly and shares the same passion and but the problem comes when you begin second there share spousal difficulties and many times it's under the guise of you know how we understand how a woman thinks I just don't get it my wife sometimes just confuses me to death so help me understand tell me what that's like what does a woman want exactly or the wife says to her to this male friend that she works with or sings with or ministers with you know I don't get guys and I don't think guys get it so she asked him for advice about how to live with her husband well at this point that's a very subtle criticism of your spouse and maybe initially it's okay but eventually it's going to get you into trouble if you keep doing that kind of thing there are actually people who have radar up they are four unhappily married oh absolutely people are beyond so I've had people say that to me that I can go into an audience and I can scan the audience and I can tell you who is unhappily married unhappily married people send out signals and of course people who want to have an affair or who are looking for some distraction or one I have some fun that they will pick on people that will not say no to them they don't want rejection rejections too painful so they will pick people who will say yes to them or that they think they can get to say yesterday so we shouldn't be talking about the challenges we may be facing in our marriage with any one of the offices that's right what's a counselor that's right so but it happens all the time in this culture moon we said yesterday friends change forever the topics of conversation for young adults to talk about so it's common knowledge Abe says friends he means the TV show yeah a TV show free mmm-hmm and and so you anticipate seeing this friend more than the spouse you begin to build ups anticipation you might find yourself even dressing to please them you might think as you put on Cologne in the morning Oh George likes this you begin to condition yourself and you can get yourself in really a bundle of trouble here you provide special treats for the frame maybe you're stopping by Starbucks you're gonna buy yourself a cup of coffee you're they all they like this I'll buy that for them as well nothing wrong with I just want to say that but it's building brick by brick into a close call friendship that when you go through difficult times the friendship could come to mean more than your relationship with your spouse that's the key of a close call friendship this is all tapping into and I don't want to paint this as wrong but I just grieve the the number of times I've heard of couples who do everything together the lines cross

9 Comments

9 Replies to “Protecting Marriages – Flirtation Warning Signs – 1/3 – Dave Carder”

  1. Reina Virtucio says:

    Di pa kasal devastated agad

  2. A Google User says:

    Women are worse than men nowadays.

  3. Deb Blue says:

    ny other half told me."she's just a friend"

  4. My Name I.C. says:

    It is very eye opening when you see a so called "christian" woman, who is married, has a child, and is expecting another kid, flirt with the person you're with. This is what I experienced with this woman I "knew"(who to me was not really a christian , that's just some label she chose, to make herself sound virtuous, noble and honorable. Clearly she was not saved) This woman was very sneaky…. she would make sure no one was looking before she started to flirt with the person I was with. I was very hurt by both of them because after a while they both started with the staring game, the smiles. And in more than one occasion I caught her red handed. Eventually I left this guy. He was not a man of God either, if he was willing to fall for that trap. This so called "Christian" "lady" ended up losing the baby she was expecting and I have always wondered if her behavior had something to do with her tragedy. Her behavior was in my opinion not only whorish, but evil as well!!! I hope she finds God some day and learns to respect not only the relationship of others but her own family as well

  5. mspixiedust100 says:

    If you are conversing with this person more than absolutely necessary, THAT IS A RED FLAG.    My spouse said that, "she's just a friend.  You have trust issues."

  6. Tu Bailey says:

    Thanks, Dave.

  7. Marthaelisa17 says:

    it's amazing how subtle it may be.  this is wisdom you never know a person's intentions.

  8. thedrenthb says:

    you need to know that it is not too late to recover your marriage! i have also gone through difficult times recently but im so happy with my wife now. have a look at this site… bitly.com1agTesR

  9. OKandNOWwhat says:

    Cut it off and cast it away from you at the very moment that you see these signs. Immediately! Be ruthless or you shall suffer the consequences.

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